a misunderstood understanding...

Recently talking to a friend that has daily grown in my heart I've realized that there's so much that I've been going through that can be overcomed if I'm willing to surrender my own desire for a knowledge that is meant to be unknown, to unconver seasons that are still hidden for my life; and understand that despite of it being awfully hard to write it down and express the foreign realms that my heart has been visiting in this journey called life there is a song that is echoed in each of our actions, atitudes, struggles and trials, if we just dare to step out and live it out loud then we ourselves would be able to hear the melodies that God has been singing through us;

During a season of apparent confusion where nothing seems to quite work out, where lights that before were leading signs become glimpses of a distant glory, where rivers of revelations turn drastically into deserts, one thing I've been asking for is understanding; Understanding that can be translated to whos, hows and whys; to questions that come to deviate my focus from everything around me and turn to me and my own personal universe; but for moments I'm reminded of 2 worlds that live in me and around me and drawing my attention once again to God, I find in His word a proverb and take it as an answer to my problems: "... the knowledge of the Holy One is understanding(pv.9.10b)"

Then I will find understanding, pursue it with all I have, acquire knowledge of You, oh God; but strangely enough the more knowledge I seek, the farther away I fathom myself, the more lost and uncomprehensible things become; maybe there's something missing, maybe there's more than to pursue simply the knowledge of the Holy One; I once again fall back into this season of confusion; perharps understanding has misunderstood my selfish purpose.

Oh God after spending so much time eroding from the lack of being with You, where can I find you? My Heart has lost its desire for understanding, but give me at least one answer; Surprisingly, at the point of breaking You come across me and I'm found by Your Grace once again, and by Your spirit whispering and piercing through me


[..] "Knowledge puffs up, but love builds up. The man who thinks he knows something does not yet know as he ought to know. But the man who loves God is known by God. [...]" I co. 8:1

I am taken in your hands and feeling completely undone I cry out for something, for someone to hear me. God? I have thought I knew all this, but I've been oblivious to the one thing you've wanted from me: Agapé! All this time, i've stepped out of that flame of love and have pursued a way with my mind and failed to obtain undertanding;

But if you are Love, how can I love you if not through You? When I turn to Paul, he meant something else, deeper I think. The man who loves God "ginōskō" by God. Ginosko means to be known, but it means more it means to be assured, to be able to speak to, to feel and to obtain understanding; How to feel you? How to speak to you? Why have I not understanding of this season? My hows and whys find an answer to the "who" I had lost out of my sight...

I am made to love You. I am in debt of Love. Let all my questions find the one response that meets them all: Your Love. I have learned to know nothing, I have lost all my knowledge, of my personal kingdom and my self-centered revelation, to love You, humbly and humanly, with all my selfish attempts to become better than me, with all my unconcious atitudes that cancel my ability to receive your Grace to my heart, with all that, I'm here God. I just want to love you; not wanting to obtain understanding, or answers, because they would all just come back to You;

they would all just come back to You...

I haven't given up God..

kisses
- Your son